Discreet Moments Discreet Thoughts (3)

Discreet Moments Discreet Thoughts

An Auto-Biography (kind of)

by S.Sivasankaran (19.12.2014)

Couple of events I can recall here:

Incident 1:

We used to live near the Southern entrance of famous Adhi Kumbeswarar Temple (Therku Veethi). Later days I knew this street where we were living in a compartmental house block behind a big bungalow house where a famous Medical Physician Dr Ramanatha Iyer family was living (not sure, if it was Dr Ramanatha Iyer and/or Dr Pattu Iyer.  It could be that Dr Ramanathan and Dr Pattu might be relatives among themselves, I have no idea. In that houseblock behind the bungalow, there were small or tiny segments where we call it a joint-living of several families making a living in a compartmental atmosphere.

One such neighbor was the chief Priest at the Adhi Kumbeswarar Temple then. I think he was Shri Sundaresa Kurukkal (Gurukkal either) not sure if I am right; my brothers can clarify this fact while my father name is also Sundaresa Iyer.

Another neighbor was a cook by profession, many a times, he used to be seen at his portion where he was living with his wife; they were having no kids for themselves (rather not being blessed with children per se). That Aunty was very kind towards me as a child, perhaps I can relate this to her state of having no kid, so naturally she had a tendency to shower love and affection to kids around.

Incident 1 at this place:

Note: I was only a witness to this event, so I had no role to play here. I am just indicating here as I can vividly recall what occurred that day.

One fine morning, my elder sister Janaki got some emergency situation where she had apparently was cooking or taking care of routines at kitchen, whereby, she had apparently dropped the Sambar Vessel on her legs while she was in the process of taking it out from the burning country-style mud-Stove (Kothikkara Soodana Aduppu). I think she realized the sambar was prepared and ready to serve, so she wanted to keep it aside from the burning Stove (Aduppu). 

 By the way, I should mention here she was a polio-victim by birth, so she had a physical disability or handicap of bent-limbs on both legs whereby she cannot walk on her own. She was thus not blessed to walk like any other child would have been blessed. Later days, I recalled, she had her broken legs operated for some surgery attempt to make her enable to walk in a post-surgery scenario, but somehow she never walked to my knowledge. My paternal aunt, Smt. Managalam was instrumental, I knew later, to get this surgery done in one of the Govt. General Hospitals in Chennai (Stanley hospital or GH near Central Station I don’t know from where). I would talk about this in a later episode when that’s appropriate.

When she got herself poured on to her physical body with that hot sambar, both her legs were injured; I think it was my eldest brother Murthy who managed to bring some Blue Ink bottle from nowhere to pour it on her limbs just to give her first-aid before she could be taken to a nearby hospital for appropriate treatment.  I can slightly recall that scene now, with the routine hues and cries going around from everyone who was around that scene.

Incident 2 at this place or elsewhere (see below Incident 4):

I am not sure which incident is first (1 or 2 indicated here), but this one is a sad one either. My youngest sister, Bhavani, who was then approximately 1.5 years old as a infant, she had some ailment in her stomach and she suddenly passed away one day.  To some extent, I can recall a baby being taken to grave-yard for her final rites rolled into a white dhoti. 

Later days, I heard, we were totally 8 brothers and sisters in the family, i.e. 4 males and 4 females.

a)      First child a boy, Venkataraman died during his infancy.

b)      Second child a boy, Murthy alias Ramamurthy, survived and thus is the eldest child in the family as we all knew later.

c)       Third child a girl, Bala, died during her infancy.

d)      Fourth child a girl, Janaki, survived for 3 decades and then passed away when she was 31. Thus she was my only sister I can claim of.

e)      Fifth child, a boy, Kannan (Krishnamoorthy) survived and thus is my second brother in linage.

f)       Sixth child, a girl, Viji, died during her infancy.

g)      Seventh child, a boy, that’s Sankar (that’s me Sivasankaran)

h)      Eighth child, a girl, Bhavani, died during infancy

i)        We were even told there were few more issues who were not born enough (premature abortions, so they are not into head count here).

By and large, I would say, most of my ‘deceased’ brothers and sisters had to face their end due to malnutrition or lack of enough resources to support in those days / years.  Lack of proper medical technology or treatment avenues might be another cause for their unwarranted death events, could have been avoided with appropriate treatment if that was available then. We are talking of 1950s and 1960s here, the post-independence era of a conservative India.

Incident 3:

I have very rare memories of going to school crossing the Kumbeswarar Temple from South Entrance towards North Entrance and then walk-it out the small distance.

Incident 4:

Few rare glimpses of memories from another nearby street where we lived then at No.4 Acharyar Street (Shri Vijayendraswami Mutt Street) near ARR Arch, opposite or near to South Entrance of Adhi Kumbeswarar Temple. Not sure, if the incident @ 2 above could have occurred in this place. My elders can clarify this.

Incident 5:

I guess we were living then in Solaiappan Street near one of the sub-lanes, known as Naalam Thirunal Padithurai (Kaveri Karai Street later known as partially Kamakoti Nagar or so).

One of my primary school teacher, Shri Ranganathan Iyer (whose family used to live next to us in the same street), I can recall couple of instances of interactions with his family where my mother and his wife, Smt. Sulochana or Meenakshi (forgot actual name) were close friends (good neighborly souls).

This family had two children one boy, Ramadoss and one girl, Bhavani. I think there used to be an old lady, the mother of Shri Ranganathan.  Ramadoss was a close friend of my elder brother, Kannan.

I can relate or recall little shades of a mother-figure who was associated with all or any of the above incidents listed above whereby on couple of rainy days, my mother and/or Mrs. Sulochana (or Meenakshi as the case may be) used to drop or collect me and Bhavani from school. Perhaps, they had this understanding mutually then, depending on circumstances, one of the ladies would take us to school in the morning and other would collect from school in the evening as we were in our 1^st or 2^nd standard then; the school here is the same primary school KTV Middle School cited above.

Bhavani and myself were good childhood friends until class 7 or so, after which my association or interaction with her was very limited. At a later stage, when we were graduating (after 12^th Standard or so), we had couple of casual interactions, nothing to state specifically here.

Incidents (5 to 7 or 8):

Few movies I was taken around during my childhood days.

At Raja Talkies : I can recall two ladies taking me to watch the following movies Thikku Theriyada Kaattil, Kani Muthu Pappa (it could be my mother and Smt. Lalitha, my paternal aunt from Neyveli)

At Diamond Theatre:  Adimai Penn, Thunaivan or Kandan Karunai (any two of three of these movies, forgot which one is not in the supposed to be list).  I guess it was one of these ladies I accompanied then.

At Noor Mahal (later renamed Selvam Theatre): Neerum Neruppum, Gauravam.  I can vividly recall my eldest brother Murthy took me to this movie Gauravam (acted by Sivaji Ganesan) as Prestige Padmanabhan and Kannan the junior Advocate role. That day I cannot forget because it was somewhat a hot and rainy mixed day.   In front of the theatre on the same road, there was a political meeting that was due to occur, where then TN Governor K K Shah and Chief Minister MGR were expected to attend this meeting, so obviously lot of police force, military kind of (we called then Satti police) were there in the vicinity of the theatre so getting into theatre and obtaining a ticket was a nightmare. My brother Murthy somehow managed to collect the tickets for us.  I am not sure if my other brother Kannan was present the same day or not.  I recall this because I was playful at a nearby house when one fine afternoon around 3 pm or so, he called me ‘Sankar, get ready, we are going for a movie’. That’s all.

At Jupiter Talkies (near Railway Station): Gnana Oli

Incident 9:

This is unforgettable one.  I must admit this is only last event I can recall my mother’s face as if a character in the name of a mother-figure who gave me birth and was part of my early life. 

That fateful day, was a school holiday due to Republic day (26 Jan 1973) when I lost my mother who passed away due to some chronic of acute prolonged illness where she was hospitalized for a while at the Kumbakonam Govt. General Hospital near Cauvery or College area.   We have no clue what was her illness. Later we were told she was having low blood pressure and became too weak to be sustained and saved.  We are not sure, if the medical advancements and technology made available due to continuous discoveries and innovations that came later stage, she could have been saved if there was appropriate care and medical attention.  I think the fact that she was withholding approx 12 babies, most of these normal deliveries, except those who had to be aborted at a premature pregnancy, lack of appropriate nutritional food and amenities, lack of financial wherewithal and acute poverty prevalent in the family for the size of a lower income conservative or orthodox family, my father could ill-afford to save a life, not only few kids that he was blessed to be parenting, but he couldn’t save his spouse too, Alas!! We cannot blame him for his misfortune, either.  He was not destined to a lead a life with required financial wherewithal that an ideal parent would have asked for or thought of.

I recall the event where my deceased mother’s mortal remains were kept on floor where visitors were pouring in. My eldest brother Murthy was holding me tight in his arms perhaps trying to console me as I was just barely 8 or 9 years old studying in Class 3 or 4, it must be 4.

I remember the journey towards the graveyard at Perumandi Street where her mortal remains were sent to flame on the banks of the River Cauvery (famous Chakrai Padithurai).

Subsequently we performed the routine 13 days rituals to keep her soul Rest in Peace with all the religious or spiritual farewell we gave her then. One of those days I recall, it was a hot day, where there was no water flowing in the river, so after returning from the other side of Cauvery, we had to cross the river by bare foot on the hot sand, I could not resist the heat or sun stroke either, so that was the first time I fainted or collapsed on a mid day.  I think they took me to nearby house where next door a girls primary school was there (it was indeed the Govt. Girls High School branch at Kalyanaraman Street in Kumbakonam) where I was given first aid, and later they took me home. That day somehow I was cursing my father for forcing me to walk on hot sand under the hot sun when I remember my elder brother Kannan tried to pacify or console me ‘Not to say so’.   I don’t know why, with later developments in life involving my personal interactions with my father-figure, I never had any intimacy towards him in the form of parent-child affection or love tangle that would otherwise be present or prevalent for a child from his/her childhood memories.   Perhaps, I would only relate this particular incident on cauvery sand as a starting point that triggered all the ‘negative’ anecdotes or negative mindset or negative attitude I had for rest of my life towards him.  For me, he was not a parent, but a villain per se.   I know it’s cruel and unmindful to say so being a child to say so about a father, so many later day events in my interactions with him, I had somewhat developed a sort of animosity towards him.  Of course, I repented later when I grew up, in my later matured years of adulthood specially when I realized the good days of my own status having been elevated to be a responsible parent for Divya and Hari and couple of recent developments impacting my health when I had to face several health issues after 2011 or so.  I vividly recalled all my childhood days, and could relate what’s parenthood and what’s a father to be alike.   I had several times thought of those bitter moments in life that I could recall whatever negative traits I had towards my father-figure, I had later apologized to him posthumously, Amen.  I have had enough of fighting, upfront confrontations with him, frankly more than what my elder brothers might have had in their approach to treat him as a father-figure, but for me, always he has been a ‘negative image’ that I had carried, however faulty my approach was, however I was justified to be what I was towards him; however he was justified in his actions towards me or someone around in the family.

I don’t know why but I cannot forego those negative events and episodes right from my childhood starting from Age 9 (1973) until he passed away in 2009, so nearly 4 decades or more I had carried on that bitter past deep into my emotions, deep into my psychic, deep rooted into my character that was built over the years that somehow I am telling myself ‘I am a self-made’ ‘I am a self-built’ (leave aside the help and assistance and moral support I was blessed with, to obtain from my elder brother Kannan) so obviously I was in no mood to forgive, but could only forget those, I am trying to forget every bit of those events, the more I think of them from the past for whatever reason or circumstances leading me to think so, the fact that I am seen by my own kids, specially Divya, my daughter, as she has an image about me in her minds that ‘Appa is a detached person; he finds it hard to forget and forgive’  ‘perhaps he has an attitudinal problem, perhaps it is in his psychic or mental inability to comprehend what’s right and what’s wrong’ and so on.   Somehow people around me in the family look at me as a person who is stubborn, rigid and non-compromising whatever.

I am in no mood to justify or defend my state of mind here. In course of this book, by my exposition or exploring various events and episodes that followed later since 1973 till now 2014, I have ample evidences to prove that I am not so.  I have ample instances to say categorically with a ‘categorical NO’ to prove my critics wrong. Till then, keep your fingers crossed until you would realize what I have to say.  It’s one at a time to recall from my memory to collate events and pen it out here. It takes time, but for sure I can guarantee that any opinion you might have got about me, as a reader thus far, as compared to otherwise, me as a person you have known me as Siva or Sankar or Sivasankar or Sivasankaran, time only can tell you ‘who am I’.    

(To be continued) (19-12-2014)